“ This is where I start running that day and the details in my head over and over and over and the nerves start building....damn hope this works :P
Same feeling every time, so am sure it will… “
It is interesting how one can learn from mistakes, but it is magical when they create new ideas and force you in a new direction.
For now let me just say this week the nerves are little more than usual.
5 days’ to go to Open Streets
….time for a little trip down my painting memory lane
and yes I wear a lucky t-shirt :)
Woke up and made poached eggs for brunch.
I did not dream that …
and I did not dream that one day I will …
I definitely did not dream that …
Neither that … would happen in my life.
Even though I have not dreamed about having the experiences I have had in my live, without them I would still be dreaming and not quite as awake and alive.
Where to start?
Have been thinking about updating this page for ages now. Just not getting to it. Not making time…
A few weeks ago I got to catch up with a friend who moved from Cape Town to Johannesburg. Lots of life changes on his side. He mentioned that he enjoyed reading what I put on here but hasn’t seen anything for a while. He was wondering how do I start or how do I decide to write about something. And I have been asked that before. I am not the typical blogger and I only do it when I feel the need to share. It is a nice way to stay in touch with friends. Well that is how this all started 3 years ago with my trip to India. But then the question to myself I think is why do I need to share…?
The blog update:
So it starts somewhere with a conversation I have with myself. It usually starts days or weeks before and keeps changing until I finally feel there is something there and then sit down and start writing. This one I started last week. And only today am picking it up again. There have been many changes to the story. The one thing that did spark it last week is the photograph I took. But days have gone past and it wasn't a priority anymore. No need to share anymore. The conversation was still going on though. And here I hope I am not now confessing to being the lunatic talking to himself….well am sure we all need that expert opinion sometime :) but then seriously why now at the end of Friday afternoon where all I want to do is leave work and go have a beer I find the energy to pick this up again and start putting thoughts to paper?
“Your job doesn't exist anymore from xxxx date and if you are unsuccessful in your application for the new role you will be retrenched.”
And then for the strange part( the reason for the need to share):
As I was on my lunch time walk through town talking to myself or more accurately reflecting my thoughts on why am I doing so well? Why am I not as emotionally involved as some colleagues? Why am I already planning and plotting what to do next how am I going to get from A to B in the next few weeks etc? Why did I start with worst case scenario, made peace with that outcome and from there worked my way back up to the best options? Why was my turn around time so fast? I know the answer for myself but how I did I get to this point in my life that I have the ability to do that? Turn bad around almost “instantly”. At first I think: Do not think so much of yourself, Charl? But by just watching and observing I see and realize that more people could benefit in their lives if they had that too.
Only from some searching of our dear friends at Google I find some way of explaining it. I embrace vulnerability. (there is a TED talk about it too ) You can look that up to find out why that helps me turn negatives into (not positives) but experiences. And the ability to experience it is the positive that brings happiness and joy to my life. Another example would be how the heartbreak from a loved one would make me feel just as alive as being with the person because it would mean I have feelings and am a living breathing creation.
What beauty and mystery that my body can react to thought and emotions in a physical way? My eczema flair up or panic attacks…same thing etc etc. We all go through them. Just don’t see it at that moment and some people only years later. What a pity I say where you could have experienced the lesson and beauty in the tears at that very moment. Yet still, how did I get to this point in my life where the news of possible retrenchment seems like another exciting chapter in my life? I might never know…
I watched this almost dry worm hanging in my doorway for days. Some would have probably “cleaned it” and disposed of it in the garden somewhere. A few days pass and then that morning. I was late for work already. As I am rushing out the door there it sat. It just sat there. Just sitting there, still with its cocoon. I had to stop and watch. And it did nothing but sit there. I bet you it was worried about: Oh shit I am not a worm anymore. What do I do with these things on my back. I am homeless now. Should never have eaten so much that I needed to build a home and just sleep and sleep etc. Apologies , off course it didn't!
I still don’t have an answer of where in my life I made that switch or broke out of my cocoon. Was it facing a new country with apartheid? Was is it because of the way my parents brought me up? Is it after many years knowing that my outside facade is not who I am or is it knowing after many years that that moment I sat on a train station with my bags not knowing if I should go left or right to find a roof over my head for the night was the best thing that could have happened in my life?
Perhaps look for those moments in your past …
So the last time I was depressed, under stress, had fear and just felt vulnerable what did I do? When in my life or yours did you lose that comfort zone, embraced your vulnerability and just sat there and be beautiful?
Next time you feel sad, are hurt depressed or scared, when you are unsure of what to do next. Or have tears rolling down your face. Try to share. Not download and try to fix it, just be what your feeling. Because there lies the beauty . Knowing you have the power to physically feel emotions. We all have a cocoon we hide in sometimes. Come out and just be.
Okay I am starting to preach….that is my dad’s job. So over and out…till next time.
Where did this end?
This was my need to share and just be…
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time. ~ Abraham Lincoln
You can never plan the future by the past. ~ Edmund Burke
It has been some time again since I have updated my blog. That usually is because I have nothing to update or there is too much happening to sit down and make time for it. It’s a bit of both.
Just to make myself feel better about that, here I am.
I have enjoyed Instagram lately and thought to make this update easy I’ll add a few pictures I have taken with it. We do seem to grab our mobile phones to capture those moments in our lives. These are a few of my favourite pictures (moments) I liked….hope you like them too.
Till next time
Have been wondering when this year I will finally be in the “mood” to update my blog. Well the yellow brick road has been paved…
I am not going to go through the process of how a project for the World Design Capital of 2014 got started, how it ended and what I learned…. There was lots of laughter, frustration, swearing and finally a big sigh…. and then there was that smile as the cop walks off and responds: “Ah ok”
Below adding a few pictures to capture what the memory of the last 2 weeks ended up as. Until now this year has been pretty much the same laughter, frustration, swearing and finally big sigh and smile. At the end of the first 2 months of this year I am also in that “mood” and I have learned a lot. I can gladly say I am looking forward and curious to see what the painting in the street looks like at the end of 2014!
With the title I could start a conversation about race and my country. But it is about “lekker in je vel zitten” or “feeling good about yourself”.
Have you ever smelled your skin? Have you ever washed blood grease and dead cells from under your nails? Wake up with blood stains on your sheets? Have you ever been stuck to your bedding? Used almost boiling water in a shower to burn away the nerves to stop the itch? Been in a hospital bed where the cleaners come sweep up a piles of dead skin dust from under your bed every couple of hours? Have your parents tried putting on soft mittens on your hands to prevent you from hurting yourself? Have you felt that you need to hide your body with clothes in hot days because of the embarrassment? Have you taken pain killers just to be able to move? Have you needed to sit and massage creams and oils into your skin for about an hour to sooth it enough to put on your clothes? Always being known as the person that takes forever to get ready? Have you lost your eyebrows? Stand on the side of the pool at your friend’s birthday party? Taken sleeping tablets to sleep? Taken calming tablets for paranoia? Avoided relationships? Have friends at school ask if you are dying? Have needed to take so many steroids that you start feeling so bloated that joints start to pain? So much cortisone you lost +/-85% of your vision. Been depressed? Jealous of someone wearing shorts? Needed more sleep? And more and more sleep? Tried every diet and remedy you could find? Seen doctor after doctor? Should I carry on? If you still don’t know or cannot imagine what I am talking about you have never had eczema or have never known anyone who has.
….time passes, I grow up and start learning to live with it:
I wake up this morning and start scratching. There is a slight sense of the smell I know (that is the start). I lie there for 5 min. Something I need to do (might know why if you read some of my other posts - paranoia) Today it is more deciding, changing my mindset and getting ready to move. Do I call in sick today? No I cannot do that. This is a normal eczema day… and really compared to what I have had this is that pimple on a teenager’s face.
Why am I telling you this now at the age of 36? Throughout your life you meet people that show you empathy. Try to give advice and help. You get encouragement from friends and family. Yet meeting someone that knows exactly what you have been through does not happen often or ever. It did this week.
That same day I met her I sent a message to my line manager that I was going to be late for work that morning because my eczema was bugging me. I don’t usually do that. I would rather say I overslept. Yes I got empathy and understanding back. But this can happen often!! ….So I started looking on the web if there are stories that could explain what a person like me goes through sometimes. Especially in a corporate environment. Have become aware that I am that guy who is usually in the bathroom putting on face cream. Funny how the one man calls it my beauty spot when he sees me doing it….little does he know I do it to be able to feel comfortable talking to someone sometime. I found some stories out there on the web but they didn't quite work enough to send to my line manager to explain me. And I know there must be hundreds of people like me out there going through it as well. Not even to mention the struggles of the parents of that little kid with the rough face. So here I am writing my own story. I could carry on and on. But think I have made my point.
It has made me who I am today. Think most of my friends and the people that know me would never have been able to tell what it has been like living in my skin by looking at the person I am today. I am sitting here with a big smile on my face writing this now where this morning when I woke up I couldn't stand the thought of opening up the covers I was hiding under. Am going to eat a peanut butter sandwich just now….something I wasn't allowed to eat for many years. ;-) Happiness!
To all the beautiful tough skinned people out there!
you fell from the sky
to walk the earth
you will meet strange and beautiful creatures with whom you can laugh, play and dance
and when you sit down to rest and look back
you will see that you have been walking among giants
“What we are doing to the forests of the world is but a mirror reflection of what we are doing to ourselves and to one another.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” ~ Anaïs Nin
“It's not about what it is, it's about what it can become.” ~ Dr. Seuss, The Lorax
A few toothbrushes later, thought I should update you on how my previous entry Growth is doing.
On the radio while brushing my teeth and still waking up: “...planning to capture an asteroid and drag it into orbit of the moon.” At the same time I am struggling to become a morning person.
Read an article yesterday that claims some people have body clocks that run for more than 24 hours…I can believe that J … Well I did manage to be up early and capture the little plant during the last few minutes of the golden hour. Not in proper focus because of having to push the Brunfelsia Pauciflora or better known as the Yesterday Today and Tomorrow tree out of the way. The snail I managed to move to a “new home” but Susan, the Hadeda’s marks on the wall I had to leave…well we all need a bit shit in our lives…lol
The plant has grown… and so have I…
till the next time!
Not my usual blog BUT: In my previous update I mention a vampire on a stage. It is a friend who is probably one of the best singers and guitarists I know. The two of us joke about him being the vampire and I am the werewolf scaring him because of my lens in plants that reflect the light from my eyes. Not sure if it was the lights but the shadows made him look so thin the last time I saw him on stage that it seemed like the bones were singing. The music that came out of it incredible! And yet he was “busking on a stage”…
I see it a lot...It seems a typical thing in SA where the best musicians still need to “busk” during open nights on the side for money. I am fortunate to know many and it is the same with for all of them. I also get the surprise look and almost am being made out for crazy when I ask friend to pay for one of my CD’s. “Why not for free?!” Is the question.
Today at almost the same place I took many photos of a sea of orange people came together during the 2010WC I got to take a few more photos of a sea of people in support of Mr Lunga Goodman Nono , the blind busker that got assaulted by the police this week. Just wanted to add this to my blog because the incredible support from artists and musicians I could see among all the other friends and faces in the crowd put a big smile on my face.
And on a day like this I do really love Cape Town and its music!
I have been trying to write an update for my blog for a while now...When I started writing it, it had a series of events from dinner with new neighbours to “the bones of a vampire” singing on a stage a few weeks ago. ...I deleted it because there was too much and probably would not have made any sense to anyone. At the end of the series of events (which you will have to imagine yourself) I am looking at myself and realise that I am still ok with the fact that the dreams and things that really matter in my life are not always there...And yes it really is OK! ....it has made my life interesting...it has kept me alive...it is the light setting for my next self-portrait and the key to the next piece of music I write...Usually I am looking from the inside out...At the moment it feels good to be looking from the outside.